Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
