can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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