I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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