Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
