they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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