Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
