I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
