I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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