I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
