My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
