Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
