I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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