Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
