the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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