My underwear smells like fireworks.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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