He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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