just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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