the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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