You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
