im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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