Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
