He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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