She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
