I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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