It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
