): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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