So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
