she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
