i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
