Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
