Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
