omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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