I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
