I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I need to sanitize my soul.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
