Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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