Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
