the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
