You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
