he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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