Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
