Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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