i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
