dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
