John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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