SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
