oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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