Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just gargled with NyQuil
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
