I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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