Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
