I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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